There’s no expectation to read this. I wrote it to list all the pieces that are ‘coming in’, being worked on as I travel the globe indefinitely. Inner and outer journey. If you’re interested, I suggest scanning the bold headings, or printing off with a leisurely cup of coffee.
STATE OF THE ONION
David is summarizing his current life journey – at 6am after a strong dream. (He’s also playing with talking in the third person – a technique to help him see that who he is, is not what he always thought he was: a body, thoughts, feelings, another etc…..It feels pretty weird and he still sees people who do this as pretentious wankers, but let’s see how it goes)
He left NY for a 10 day trip – July 10 – and he hasn’t been back. He now doesn’t plan to return.
Here are the pieces he’s working on, seeing:
THE PROCESS…AND SLEEP
Who needs sleep? Letting go the concept of 8 hours uninterrupted sleep. He’s waking up 1 (thank God) to 4 times a night, and using the energy that’s there. He writes down his dreams as best he can, listens to them. Sometimes he picks up a book, or writes, like now. Opened to the possibility that waking at night is a GOOD thing! So he can write down his dreams, and listen to his subconscious.
Welcoming tears Sometimes he goes for a walk, and emotion pours out…..old, old feelings….problem-less, without distress, healing. The mind doesn’t need to label or explain it! It knows it’s OK, it’s old, and it’s being released. There’s compassion. Amidst the soft crying and shaking, there is no problem, no distress. He’s really ready to listen to his psyche, in a very new way of being.
Hurting heart Sometimes his heart hurts. He used to think the wracking sobs were sadness, like something was wrong. But now it seems it’s just a lot of love for the heart to bear, and it occurs as a pain that’s worth feeling, as the heart opens, and something whispers: “it’s OK to let this in. It’s OK”.
The man behind the curtain Realized his sub-conscious (including limbic system) has been running the show for 40 years, and that his conscious mind/cortex has no control over it. Problem So now fascinated with anything that will help the two speak to each other – that will help release and heal any fears and wounds stored in the subconscious. (And without years of therapy or psycho-analysis!)
Dreaming In particular, studying and practicing dream remembering, dream analysis, intentional dreaming, and soon lucid dreaming.
The magical other Clear-ifying his search for the magical other to fulfill him, probably based on some kind of mother separation, and loss of his sister. And a ‘seeking’ hungry energy, like a dog wanting to play fetch, with every attractive woman who passes. Fortunately God and David have different plans for his sex life, and he’s getting to be celibate against his will. And enjoy humor around it.
Unavailable? Let’s date Clear-ifying his pattern of choosing unavailable women – either those with another partner, or young women who are working themselves out, and have yet to go through an independent phase to prove they can handle things on their own and find out who they are.
Moving on Letting go the myth and illusion of Kristina he’s made up, and feels sometimes deep in his cells, seemingly as real as breathing. Opening his heart, loving her and her choices, blessing her and her choices. Grieving. Respecting and honoring. And setting boundaries. Right now no contact for 6 months feels right to truly free himself energetically from his self-hypnosis around this ‘other’. (Besides – God sent him 2 more Kristina’s anyway
A real woman Seeing new possibility of partnering with a real ~woman~; a woman of experience; a woman who knows who she is; a woman who feels whole and complete in herself, and ready for partnership. A woman who is not my student.
Choice and intention Perhaps he’s at a place to choose more carefully his next relationship, instead of based on initial chemicals and hormones (see What the Bleep), and a need to complete himself. Feedback from his men friends will be critical in this, and perhaps not having sex for 6 months with a potential long-term partner. (As opposed to short-term recreational relationships).
Childish joy A little girl – 3 and 11/12ths she informs me – has borrowed his heart. And he can taste the fear of loving, the old story that you just CAN’T love because it’s too risky. Seems time for kids to come back into his life in some way.
Self-partnered Right now, partnering with himself seems key. Self-nurturing, time alone, creating a life not revolved around women, or ‘the other’, David appreciating David.
Service For months this keeps popping up. Now doing anonymous good is a fulfilling, private game.
Enjoying himself. Feeling a huge amount of energy online – like a million volts; an alertness, a humming vibrating presence. Seeing how all of who he is, is contributing to the lovely people around him, and it is good.
Who we really are Getting glimpses of who he is. He’s not his body; not his thoughts; not his feelings; not his situation or habits or doings or preferences or attractions; not his judgments; not THE OTHER. Glimpsing the illusion he’s been swimming in – Samsara, Maya….Ahhh, the lovely ego….
Continuing TheWork.com, to see through the illusion of thought.
Oh wow…this is as fresh as 24 hours…
Where it all started Will ‘fix it’ with his father, and have “the conversations we might have had”…..now. Find out who this guy really is.
Real male friend Will learn how to get his emotional needs met from men, and to truly bond deeply with men.
Freeing the wild spirit Deepen his bond with nature; opening to the idea of complete solitude for days at a time.
Drug-free! He’s exercising, feeling good in his body. Stopped sleeping pills 2 weeks ago, and Zoloft (an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant drug) 10 days ago. Taking loads of vitamins and natural supplements, including the amino acids 5HTP and GABA, a little L-tyrosine, and melatonin.
Very low sugar, caffeine, alcohol. His sacrum is making itself known (funny, I didn’t know it was there before), so he’s looking for a network chiropractor in San Francisco.
FUN AND TRAVEL
After Calgary, Colorado, Calgary, Harbin Hot Springs….he’s now off to the NAPA Valley to schmooze and deal and network and actually generate some cash for the year, then Mill Valley to (if you know of someone in Marin County near SF with an awesome house they’d like house-sat for 7 days during burning man, let me, uhhhh….him, know.)
Then it’s a month at Turn Around House, 8 days in LA with friends, apparently Australia (just found out) with David Frey on business (and great chance to open up things with Dad), and then perhaps a communal living experiment in Marin County or Costa Rica for the month of November. Another conference in Hawaii in January, and other than that he’s wide open (send him invites! If you can get past the third person thing It’s about being with nature, quiet, and open hearted people right now.
Making the transition to a Mac, to have a stable operating system. (Now isn’t that interesting?) He’s done with the crashes.
Oh – and his 40th birthday is August 27 – Wednesday!
The Eden Project – In Search of the Magical Other – James Hollis
Return to Love – Marianne Williamson
Age of Miracles – Marianne Williamson
Warrior of the Light – Paulo Coelho
Wild Nights – David Deida
Manhood – Stephen Biddulf
Codependent no More – Melody Beattie
Siddartha – Hermann Hess
Spiritual Enlightenment, the Damndest Thing – Jed McKenna
Loving What Is – Byron Katie
I Need Your Love – Is That True? – Byron Katie
Seeing Who You Really Are – Douglas E. Harding
Photo Reading – Paul Scheele
MY GOALS AND GAMES
- write book with awesome ghostwriter (The Wealthy Gypsy)
- find marketing person/company to promote my products
- find speaking agent to get me 12 big speaking gigs a year
- find perfect person to create and run a 3 day Internet Bootcamp
- find person to implement high end coaching program for my market
- find person to create membership site
meet Richard Branson and Robin Williams