The following is an excerpt of one of David’s coaching sessions in Top Coaching Techniques.
David: I was thinking this could be an opportunity to train people in how to be with you, but I wonder if you could just take this as your mother was actually making a contribution to you.
Client: Yeah. She was within her full rights and I wasn’t prepared to give any ground on that occasion, because I was just angry and that was my reaction.
David: Right, and you were being defensive and you were plugged in.
Client: Right.
David: Got it. Is there anything that you need to clean up with your mom over that interaction?
Client: I think I’ve got a lot to clean up with my mom over everything. My father is a very passive person. He used to run his own business and he was very smart, but very passive. All of his staff always loved him. For instance, my sister had a bit of a run in with people at a tennis club one weekend and the person spoke to my dad, and my dad said, ‘Yeah, she’s got a bit of her mother in her.’
So my mother is very aggressive and she was always the one that disciplined us as kids. My father was always the man for the moment, you know. He would say, ‘what’s done, is done’ and how can we cure it? He was never very heavily emotional, whereas mom was always the one who would give a spanking or whatever. You knew if you got a spanking from my father you’d done something really wrong.
David: Right. Well, if I can do a little coaching here – and this is in the communications area – as a coach right now, I’m feeling a little bit lost, and this is normal. I think it’s because I’m hearing a lot of the stories from you. Like ‘this is what happened, and mom was like this’, but it’s really about now. So if you can talk in terms of ‘I feel’ and ‘this is what there is to clean up with my mom right now’, I think I’ll be able to really get it right between my eyes.