The following is a transcription taken from Explode Your Practice.

Just a couple of quick pointers on your letter. I will tell you what I think and you can ask questions at the end. There is no passion at the beginning of this letter. I am in the process of starting up my business; I’m looking for whatever. There’s nothing about the incredible joy of starting a coaching business and the profound privilege of actually being able to be a part of helping people with their lives.  And if you want to say that you are scared to death, you can say that too. But, you are giving no sense of you. It’s just putting in some passion and some feeling. Letting them know who you are. Then they can relate to you and know what is really going on here. In your second line you say I am looking for people who are interested in my service. I would rip that out. And say something like,  “I’ve created ten spots for people who are interested in having a discussion about their life and where they are heading.”