a Life You Love' Newsletter
How was this marriage saved?
I was very
moved to receive this success story from the latest reader of ‘The Truth
About Women' ebook:
We starting reading 'The Truth About Women' together about a week ago and it was as if the light came on. He actually looked at me and said "I GET IT!” I understand now what you've been trying to tell me all along"
We have our good days and our bad days, but the bad ones are becoming far less and when we need to we just reference your ebook to seek coaching!
I know this all sounds so stereotypical but it is the truth. Thank you so much. You have truly saved a family from it's own demise!"
Click here for ‘The Truth About Women'
I've added a new page/checklist for executives and managers. If you're an executive and/or manager, why not test it out and let me know what you think: www.life-coaching-resource.com/executive-coaching.htm
Do you want wonderful, productive relationships? With your partner? Your family? Your boss or staff?
Here's a great technique which is sometimes easy, sometimes hard. But regardless – it's something you need to practice if you are going to break any current habits. While this article is written in the light of men applying it to their female partner, the technique here can be applied by a man or woman, or to a man or woman. And to a boss, a friend, a parent, a colleague…. In other words, anyone can use these techniques on anyone – and in doing so you would be giving them (and yourself) a gift.
Making It Wrong
Any complaint you have about another person (or situation) may invariably be traced back to one thing: you have decided that it should be a different way, and it doesn't match up to your picture.
The expression for this action, which we have practiced since birth with the help of our well meaning parents, is “making it wrong”. We spend our lives making him wrong, making her wrong, making the situation wrong, or making ourselves wrong. Without this occurring, you cannot have a complaint. In fact, if your brain stopped making things wrong, and gave up it's expectations of how things would be, you would have no choice but to live in total bliss.
Finding It Right
The More Institute introduced me to the concept or philosophy of perfection. They make the outrageous comment that: “everyone and everything is perfect”. Put another way, there is a rightness in everyone and everything, you just have to find or notice it. I was not unlike most human beings in wanting to resist this idea, and I argued. I wanted to rationalise and justify that there were problems. These people weren't going to take away all my serious problems and complaints with a few clever words!
But have you ever heard the saying: “If you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them?” Well – the same is true of your problems. If you insist you have problems and complaints, or that any part of your life is imperfect, you get to keep it that way. Fortunately, the reverse is also true. If you look for the good and rightness in people and situations, you also get to have things improve.
The fact that any situation can seem like a disaster one moment and an opportunity the next (e.g. breakup), and that one person's punishment is another's reward, leads me to believe that seeing perfection or at the very least ‘rightness' is possible in every situation, and every human being. Where we can't see perfection, it is a limitation not of what we are viewing, but of our vision.
Finding It/Him/Her Right - Part II
So guys, with this theoretical background firmly in place, let us apply this principle to our partner! (Again, if things are perfect with your partner, then apply this to anyone else in your life where things could be better).
There is nothing wrong or imperfect about our partner. People simply are – just the way the ocean is or the stars are. As discussed above, any complaint or problem we have with our partner is a function of a desire we have or an expectation about how that desire should be met.
A complaint about my partner translates to: “I don't like how I'm feeling. I have decided it's your fault, and that there is something you are doing or a way you are being which is making me feel this way”.
My friend Peter recently showed perfectly how to find someone right. He asked the ladies at a party “Where's the champagne?” – he had searched everywhere for the bottle. One woman replied a little hesitantly “Oh sorry – er – we drank it all”. Quick as a flash he came back with real enthusiasm: “Excellent! I love it when you do that. Let me open another one.”
“But wait a minute!” I sometimes hear an indignant coaching client say. “That works for most things, but some things are just right or wrong. Surely there are some things that cannot be found right.” And I reply:
Let me clarify here – finding her right isn't the same as going along with everything or tolerating something. I'll use the most extreme example I have had to face in my life. Trust me – if I could find this right – you can find ANYTHING right!
*Keep a look out for Parts III and IV in next months issue.
Biological Clock Ticking – ML, Australia
David, I love my boyfriend of 5 mths and want to spend my life with him. He EXCEEDS, all the criteria /qualities I have for a partner. However, he is a Christian and does not believe in sex before marriage, living together before marriage, children outside of the family/marriage unit etc. While I respect his beliefs, his outlook is a huge shift to what I am used to, and I can't see myself ‘converting'.
I guess my base fear is what if I put a year or so into this, and then he decides he cant spend his life with a partner that doesn't share his beliefs, and we don't end up as life partners after all. I am 30 and the biological clock is ticking. How long do I wait? How much do I invest in the r'ship not knowing if he and I share a future together?
COACH: What's waiting got to do with it ML? You'll be waiting forever if you're waiting for an answer from the heavens. CREATE your answer. One powerful way to go is to screw up your courage, and share with this man a POSSIBLE future which excites you. Then see if he's interested in that kind of future with you – not committed, but interested/excited.
You might even agree on how long you'll both date/have fun before you
reassess and mutually decide if you want to deepen your level of commitment.
How would that feel? (And what's the best way to find out if he doesn't
think he can spend his life with a partner with different beliefs?
Cold Feet? MB – Australia
Hi David, I dated a lovely man for three months up until last month. He is a widower and lost his wife just over a year ago. We were getting along very well and he said he adored me and then when i returned from a weekend away without him things changed and he said he couldn't commit to a relationship with me.
He had done a lot of thinking and he asked himself a lot of questions. Even though it is early days from losing his wife I feel that he did fall in love with me and got scared. What do you think ?
COACH: I can relate my friend – my partner also recently lost her husband. Maybe he did get scared MB – and maybe not. Have you asked him? Sounds like a great opportunity for communication – to really understand his world. Doesn't mean he'll open up/come back – but it's a nice start. While he's going through this time, is there any support he would like from you?
Obtaining the PCC designation feels good. It's not the piece of paper - it was realising in the live exam that I really am making a difference to people - even the examiner.
As of this week I have 27 clients, and sometimes have to wait two weeks before I can fit in a trial session. Yesterday I did 13 sessions in six countries. Abundance feels great! (And my clients are wonderful! For example, there are two switched on ladies in Melbourne starting their own business, a lady in Sydney deciding it's time for more confidence, and asking for what she wants in her relationship, and a Managing Director creating a vision for his company.)
I laid on a trolley and was towed up in my hang glider, behind a powered hang glider (trike), 12 times last weekend - to about 1,000 feet. I'm a bit of an adventurer, but I think it's even a little bit hairy for me. I'll stick to jumping off mountains!
And Bronwyn did the Advanced Course, and is already in SELP. (For you people versed in Landmark Education). Woo hoo!
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David Wood is a personal and business coach, and a founder of the International Coach Academy - a global company training coaches in nine countries. He is a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF) based in Washington, D.C.
David has coached people in 13 countries via telephone and email. He helps people tap into their passion and adventure, and get into action! He works with professionals on career direction and personal issues, with small business owners, and managers/executives. He also helps coaches start or accelerate their coaching practice via the CoachStart™ Program at http://www.CoachStart.com/Mentor.htm