'Create a Life You Love' Newsletter

ISSUE #12: 'Invalidation Vs. Respect'

'Life coaching tips on having MORE in your life. More fun, more love, more peace, more excitement.'

David Wood, PCC
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1. Announcements/Offers
2. 'Invalidation Vs. Respect' (FEATURE)
3. The Personal Touch
4. About the 'Create a Life You Love' Newsletter

1. Announcements/Offers

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sacredgatherings@ earthlink.net


Visit http://www.CoachStart.com

2. FEATURE: Invalidation Vs. Respect

(My thanks to International Coach Academy who have given permission for me to publish this extract from the CoachCert training program.)

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the verb RESPECT as: "to consider deserving of high regard" or "to refrain from interfering with". It defines the verb INVALIDATE as "to weaken or make valueless".

We have the choice to respect or invalidate the people, objects and events in our life, including ourselves. Consider your experience when others respect you, i.e. they "consider you deserving of high regard" or they "refrain from interfering with you."

Now consider your experience when others invalidate you, i.e. they "weaken you" or "make you valueless".

To respect someone or something is a real gift and a powerful way of relating to the world around us. It's also a very natural way for human beings to relate when they are free.

What gets in the way of that freedom are our Judgments.

Coach Trainer Bernard Wheatley says: "When we discern our Judgments we can then choose, or have a say in whether we respect or invalidate.

One of my Judgments is "showing off and being cheeky is bad" (and of course I do both!) So whenever someone appears to be "showing off" or being "cheeky", my Judgment kicks in and I automatically invalidate them. By discerning this Judgment I can let that go and find respect or regard for the person instead."

You may know of people who respect their bodies, by exercising, eating well, stretching, getting the rest and sleep they need, and minimizing alcohol, nicotine and other poisonous substances. I occasionally eat WAY too much chocolate. My underlying belief or Judgment is that I'm not important enough to treat my body very well. Again once I discern this Judgment, I'm able to choose to continue to weaken (Invalidate) my body, or to Respect it. The more practice I get in noticing and letting go of my Judgments, the more effective I become at it.

Questions for the Discussion Board

1. What are examples of ways in which people show respect for themselves? For others? How are these different?

2. What are examples of ways in which people invalidate themselves? How do they invalidate others? How are these different, if at all?

Action Challenges

1. In the past week, what are three ways in which you have demonstrated respect for yourself?

2. In the past week, what are three ways in which you have demonstrated respect for others?

3. In the past week, describe three ways in which you have invalidated or disrespected yourself. (notice your underlying judgments in each of these)

4. In the next three days, recognize three ways in which you are invalidating others and turn it into respect.

5. In the following four days, recognize three ways you are invalidating or disrespecting yourself, and turn it into respect. (e.g. eating junk food to eating healthy food)

6. Describe how you did it and how it made you feel at the time.


Copyright 2001, International Coach Academy Pty. Ltd.



Here is the free coaching I gave to readers last month:

*** *** ***

Always Working: CG, USA

"Love your newsletter! I recently found your website and have gained a whole new understanding of what coaching is. Anyway here is my problem. I try very hard to please my husband, and in fact, give 100% to the relationship. While things are pretty good, he rarely spends anytime with our family. He works irregular hours and spends most of his time at work. What free time he does have is spent with his friends. When he does come home he goes on the computer. I'm at a loss as to what to do!"

COACH:***Dear CG, I'm sure hundreds of thousands of women can relate! Wouldn't it be wonderful if he naturally turned around and started giving you ALL the attention you want and deserve! Ahhhh.... Failing that miracle, are you willing to take responsibility for creating your relationship?

If yes, I suggest a great first approach would be to

a) let him know how much you appreciate how hard he works,
b) let him know you miss him and would like to schedule some quality time with him over the next four weeks,
c) get both your diaries out and DO IT,
d) thank him for being such a hard worker, AND a great husband at the same time!

Remember to acknowledge him EVERY time he takes time away from work for you and the family, and he'll want to do it more often!***

"Doesn’t Love Me" – SP, Australia

I have encountered a major problem with my partner in the last two weeks. We have been living together for two years. He was married previously and has just come out of a very acrimonious divorce. We had just come back from an overseas holiday to Europe where we had the time of our lives. On our return he went to the country to see his children and when he arrived home - he said he didn't love me anymore. He moved out whilst I was away for a weekend saying he needed space to sort his feelings out.

He says there is no one else involved and that he is looking to either reconcile with me or remain single for the rest of his life.

He now keeps asking me on dates - what do I do?

COACH:***ouch - that must hurt

He asks you out on dates but doesn't love you? You're missing a future and commitment here SP. See if the two of you can create and agree on a possible future - one that inspires you both. If you can do that, you can see what commitments support that. If you can't, you know what to do!


Ready, but not Desperate: SHLM, Australia

"I am 34 - have come out of a 10 year relationship (2 years ago) - am pretty happy with my life (good job, happy flat, enough money, supportive friends) - am not prepared to make man-hunting the central focus of my life but know I want to be with someone (and have kids in the not too distant future). What to do?"

COACH: *** I would usually work with a client along these lines:

a) clearly define who and what kind of relationship you’re looking for - then b) see if there are any areas of your life you would LIKE to polish up to have more fun, enjoy life more, and become more attractive to a partner. (Even if you don’t find a man, it’s a great path to follow!) - then
c) While not making it your central focus, come up with some actions/activities that will result in you hanging out where your potential partners hang out.




3. The Personal Touch

Well! At 2,000 subscribers, I declare this newsletter a great success! And I appreciate you helping it grow by forwarding it to your friends and colleagues who might benefit from the coaching within.

The students at International Coach Academy are lit up and loving the coach training program. VERY high standard of students. Five countries are represented, and we expect more countries to join in for the upcoming courses. We’ve hired a General Manager in Melbourne, and a Marketing Director in Toronto, plus two great admin staff – things are moving!

I did my first inland hang gliding over Easter, and caught my first thermal – close on the tail of an eagle. And Bronwyn continues to provide me with great joy, fun, and passion. My life is great, and it’s largely her fault.

Love David

4. About the 'Create a Life You Love' Newsletter

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Support Center
Web site: www.solutionbox.com

David Wood is a Professional Life Coach, and author of the powerful Free Download: '50 Life Coaching Questions to Take Control of Your Life and Help Your Clients'. He helps coaches, consultants, speakers and trainers to build their businesses via his popular ebook: "10 Super Coaches Share Their Secrets" and his audio ebook: "Getting Your First 50 Clients".

"David Wood is a personal and business coach, and an original founder of the International Coach Academy - a global coach training school"

Copyright 2001-2004 Life Coaching Resource.com

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